Joyful Witness / Kimberly Pohovey

Help others through grief by being there and remembering

I love the Feast of All Souls. I realize that might sound odd. However, when you’ve lost someone close to you, you cherish opportunities in which to remember him or her.

Every parish celebrates All Souls Day with its own unique observances. My parish lays out a large altar cloth in the narthex for a couple weeks prior to the feast day, and parishioners are asked to write their loved ones’ names on the cloth. It is then draped over the altar during the month of November. The visual representation of the hundreds of souls on that cloth says to me that these people lived, they mattered, and someone still very much loves them.

Through my own experience with grief, I have learned a very simple but valuable lesson—it is important to show up and remember.

When my infant son passed away many years ago, a neighbor I barely knew came to the visitation. Amidst all the words of consolation I heard that day, what she shared had a profound effect on me. She said, “Tell me one wonderful thing about Matthew that I can remember when I pray for him.”

It sounds so simple, but to someone in the throes of grief, it meant the world to me to be able to share what I thought was most wonderful about him. I try to remember to do the same for others when I attend funerals. This neighbor, with whom I did not really even have a relationship, showed up, and together, we remembered.

At my Mom’s visitation last year, I was surprised when I looked up to see Father Joseph Moriarty standing in front of me. I work with Father Joe at Bishop Simon Bruté College Seminary in Indianapolis. My Mom’s funeral was held in Cincinnati—an hour-and-a-half drive from here. I did not know he was coming, nor did I expect him to make the trip. Despite dealing with the loss of a fellow staff member at the seminary that very week and his sister’s imminent death from cancer, he came and concelebrated the funeral Mass. He showed up. And he helped me remember how important it is to be there for others.

The father of my closest friend from high school recently passed away, again in Cincinnati. When I found out the date and time of the funeral, I hesitated making plans to attend because I had a full schedule of meetings that day. But I thought back to the people who have supported me, and realized how important it was that I attend. I rearranged my schedule and headed east.

When I arrived at the visitation and met up with my dear friend, she burst into tears. I assumed she was having an emotional morning. However, she told me she was OK until she saw me. I did not tell her I was coming, and she was overwhelmed by the gesture. I just showed up. And it was so good to spend the morning remembering with her and her family.

Many are uncomfortable with the business of death and grief. However, if you’ve lost someone you love, more than likely you find great comfort when others are willing to walk the journey with you. You don’t need to know the exact right thing to say or do. Just show up and remember with them.
 

(Kimberly Pohovey is a member of St. Jude Parish in Indianapolis. She is the director of mission advancement for Archdiocesan Education Initiatives.) †